As I promised in the last post, I now present to you my journal entry from last year:
Dear Xmas,
Well. There you were again this year showing up at my house, at the same time as last year. I suspect you are cheating.... because it seems I just put you away in 2017 and there you were again.
Time is spinning by way too fast. Xmas, where's the joy you once brought each year? Where's the innocence? Where's the magic? You have been cheating me for years by withholding all the good stuff. It seems each year that passes presents a new change. A painful change. Oh sure, you still show up with all your flickering lights and promises of Christmas joy, but you have not delivered on those promises for a very long time. You come, but with you brings memories of Christmas past. When all was right in the world. Before death. Before divorce. Before separations. Before the loss of innocence. You are supposed to be good. But it seems to me you are showing up empty-handed now. Nothing to offer but stress and work guilt.
Why, Xmas, Why?
Why did you become such a burden when you were once such Joy? You do not speak. Yet your lights flicker and shine and smile back at me the same way as always. Seeming to taunt. Telling me - it's me, not you.
Xmas, forgive me for blaming you! "FatherTime" has swept away my years and the many good memories are now stinging my heart - because - they were so good. So perfect. So real.
And, now those moments are gone. And memories are just not the same.
Memories do not allow for handing my mom a plate of chocolate chip cookies. Memories do not let me talk to my sister about Xmas preparations or bake my brother cookies and give them to him. Memories do not allow for hugs. Physical, heartfelt hugs when you can actually be with your loved ones. Memories do not bring back the innocence and wonder I once felt as a child, waiting for Santa.
Memories. They can be hurtful. When you realize, that memories are reminding you that you cannot go back and that today is where you are. Memories serve only as stepping stones to get to today. So, memories need to be mostly left in the past where they belong.
But... Christmas,
Thank You, for reminding me that it's not Xmas that is to blame.
Oh, Xmas, I'm so sorry, went off on a tangent there. Sorry for blaming you for so many years. It's not your fault... My joy has subsided because I have grown and learned. And now I know, that you are just a celebrated holiday that is indeed mostly materialistic. You hold magic for the innocent and joy and celebration for families, not a bad thing, but it's the memories that can be painful when we look back and compare - it seemed so perfect then - yet in reality we know that our pasts held sorrow and sadness of their own. So it's really my own fault for reflecting and living in the past.
Living life at the moment can ease that pain. My grandkids, my kids, my husband, my dog, my family - I am blessed!
So really, why so angry?
Xmas, Let's make amends, and as I apologize, I ask that you do not expect so much of me next year... lets just... relax and enjoy the moment of celebration.
Xmas = you are of the world with your bright lights, impatience, obligations, and stresses!
Christmas = You ARE my world! Peace on earth, goodwill to men.
So, for another year, I say goodbye... and ask you to be gentle and rest well this spring and summer, and fall. And, if God wills, I shall see you again next year. And we (you and I) will try to get along. I will attempt to live in the moment, X out the X, and put Christ back where He belongs... changing your name to Christmas once and for all. The celebration is not to be for haunting memories of tradition, but rather for joyful moments of today. Learning from the past. Planning for the future. Living in the moment.
Goodbye for now,
Bobbi
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